Five ways Jerry Maguire would be worse if made today

English: Roy Firestone in July 2009.

English: Roy Firestone in July 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was watching the movie Jerry Maguire and I realized there were a few problems with it now. Not just the spelling of Maguire, but something more than that. Today it would no longer be realistic, and would change in terrible ways:

  1. Rod Tidwell would never play again (maybe). Concussions are a big deal now. Tidwell certainly would not be able to parlay a play in which he was knocked unconscious into a big payday. More likely he gets forced to retire like Jahvid Best.
  2. Rod’s contract would be considered pathetically small. In the movie, while being interviewed by Roy Firestone, Rod celebrates an $11.2M contract that will allow him to retire a Cardinal. In 2013, at least 27 receivers have contracts with at least that much guaranteed money over much shorter (non-retirement) timeframes. Seven receivers are guaranteed more than double that. Looking at the non-guaranteed, headline value that the $11.2M is more likely to be, a staggering 46 receivers make more. Including Josh Morgan and Harry Douglas. The highest paid receiver, Calvin Johnson, would make more than ten times as much as Tidwell. These days $11.2M would get Jerry fired.
  3. Speaking of that, Rod would not be interviewed by Roy Firestone. Instead, he would be the subject of fake disagreement by the smarmy and talentless Skip Bayliss.
  4. Rod’s wedding song would be disastrous. His comically bad singing and dancing would make him a YouTube sensation for all the wrong reasons. At least ten people at the reception would be recording it on their phones. Jerry jokes about releasing the wedding videographer’s tape to ESPN, but that wouldn’t be necessary. It would be a lead story before the cake was cut.
  5. But of course, there would be no cake. The entire premise of the movie would be shot to hell before the first scene. Jerry’s crisis on conscience is brought on by the kid of a hockey player suffering from concussion symptoms that Jerry encourages to keep playing. Not happening in this day and age. Jerry doesn’t encourage the hockey player, kid doesn’t flip him off, Jerry doesn’t eat bad pizza, Jerry doesn’t write the memo, Jerry doesn’t get fired. No movie.

Of course, even so his name would still be spelled weird.

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