Don’t get me wrong, I like Christmas songs. Just not all of them.some are just grating, for a variety of reasons. Here are four of the worst offenders. I won’t link to them because they are terrible.
1) “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” By Band Aid. Multiple sins here. The lyrics are moronic. They say there will be no snow in Africa this Christmas, like that’s some sad thing. Guess what, geniuses? Not only is a large part of Africa straddling the equator, but it’s also summer there in the parts that don’t. Of course there won’t be snow. There won’t be snow in Barbados or Honolulu either. As far as the title question, they most certainly know if they are Christian since all you need is a functioning calendar.
2) “Santa Baby” by many performers. This song is sung by an apparent prostitute who attempts to seduce Santa and blackmail him for extravagant gifts. A horrible message, obviously. I find out difficult to understand this song’s enduring popularity.
3) Any Christmas song by Michael Bolton. I was tempted to check to make sure Bolton has made a Christmas album, but since every act that sells more than ten albums has to make one, I didn’t bother. I also didn’t want to get any Bolton songs emblazoned in my memory by accident. His abomination of a “Dock of the Bay” is memory enough.
4) “Last Christmas” by Wham. Other than mentioning Christmas, this song has nothing to do with Christmas. You could replace Christmas with “summer” or “Flag Day” and have the exact same craptacular song. Except then we wouldn’t have it inflicted on us each year.
5) Anything by Mannheim Steamroller or Trans-Siberian Orchestra. What would Bach or Beethoven come up with if they had access to modern synthesizers? We’ll never know, but hopefully nothing like these two groups. I can take about three minutes of either one. Unfortunately their shortest songs are eighteen minutes long.
Please don’t listen to these songs. With your help we can free future generations from their grasp. If not for you, do it for the children. Happy Holidays.